I have often observed persons who have a superior intellect apply it towards diminishing others self esteem rather then uplift and support. It’s the way  our whole male dominator paradigm has operated in the world for centuries and it’s my intention to challenge the way we use our minds (as does Gary Zukov, Eckhart Tolle, Carolyn Myss, Byron Katie and my current favorite, Marshall Rosenberg all do with such brilliance).

My hope is to get people to actually think about supportive dialog when interacting with others rather than the current unconscious training from which most of us speak, which is of the “divide and conquer” model.  As our society teaches, winning is right, and the most important goal to accomplish. Winning is the cause of righteous self- grandiosity with little regard for the well being or nurturing of the heart of self or others.

Wouldn’t it be a rosy (or maybe a real time slap in the face) world if we actually could hear/feel how our words affect those around us? I do include myself in this by the way; I know I am far from pure and clean. I do occasionally throw the verbal dagger on purpose, but mostly jab without even realizing (as most of us do). My success with this post would come if I can assist in creating that brief pause before a person speaks, a second to re-choose words that have an arc (as opposed to a piercing thrust) during the invisible path from mouth to ear, cause a softer landing and less damage to the heart of the other person. That being said, we can’t take responsibility for how one choose to hear us, but we can be as clear and clean as possible when we speak, knowing our intentions are purely for connecting, educating, uplifting, supporting, sharing and when necessary finding a way to get our needs met that won’t jeopardize the other persons self worth.

How do we unwittingly patronize, degrade or dismiss others?

We rationalize our approach in logic and fact and believe our perceptions. We do very little listening to how our facts or opinions may effect the other. Recently I watched, Burn After Reading. In it, the wife states to the husband (in reference to him being black mailed for his memoirs), “why in the world would anyone think they have value?” Yes, it causes a laugh from the outside, as the raw, blunt honesty of her thoughts slaps him mercilessly across his already self- loathing face. For her, the confusion was true, as her respect and care for him at this point diminished to nothing. Yet, would she have hurt him (chosen that approach) to this degree if she were aware of how devastating her words sounded to his ears let alone to the ears of a passerby? If nothing at all, merely due to the selfish and fearful thought of how others would perceive her? Perhaps that’s the one instance where grace and ego can actually serve each other.  If she thought for a moment her words were over heard by a stranger, would she have said them?

We’ve been taught that to hate upon the self  (or to give a cold honest opinion to others) is the key to self-awareness or “perfection”, if you will. Yet, I dare ask, how is it possible to pick on, belittle and criticize while never allowing the human attributes of compassion, gentle communication, loving connection and guidance be felt for the self  and others and yet expect the end result to equate to perfection? What an oxymoron. Isn’t “perfect” really an opinion anyway and a reflection of an individuals value system? What I deem as perfect for me, may be true (but really just a mind training I’ve bought) but to apply that to others is just a form of narcissism (an exaggerated sense of self importance) isn’t it?   I learned this with the most non-consequential of examples.

We are taught as women to wear our nail polish (and wear it we must if we are to be considered a woman of status) without chips, makes sense, right? The chipped and tattered nail is often associated with the unkempt and unclean, perhaps even the street -walker types. I agreed fervently. Until I met a girlfriend, an artistic old soul whose passion for God and beauty, whose sustained belief of man as beings of light, regardless of their unconscious actions, wore chipped nail polish… on purpose. She felt it was (quite simply put) cool. With this, I have grown exponentially in my judgment of what perfection really is anyway. One person’s or maybe one organization’s thought (generally with a self serving agenda) pushed upon the human race so strongly (via media, which generates peer pressure, yes, even upon the adult population, I mean, look at UGGS, could they have ever become “hip” otherwise?) that we’ve all slowly started to accept the views of others over (or as) our own.  Thankfully my girlfriend has maintained a strong connection to her artistic self and hasn’t fallen into the trap of the group mentality. Thankfully, I was wise enough to respect her own wisdom and allow it to chip away at my idea of what perfection really means.

To bring this to the basics, why do we want to be viewed as perfect? We believe that if we are perfect, we will get all the love and support, understanding and compassion we desire, yet without providing it to the self first, it will never be given by other’s. That’s what the mirror theory is all about, we teach others how to treat us.  How we talk to self, the vibration of who we are exudes out to those around us. They pick up on that self talk, on the invisible realm we have termed, someone’s “vibe”.

Hence the adage, you can’t truly love someone else until you love yourself. How we talk to the self is how we talk to others. Want to know what you think of yourself? Look and listen. Do you ridicule, complain and feel like a victim to the circumstances of your life or do you explore, seek to understand and view challenges and heartache as gifts from the universe that provide you with an opportunity to learn and grow?  Neither is wrong, but my guess is, one will provide you with a more enjoyable or in the very least, compassionate viewpoint of life. I was raised in an environment of great sorrow, repression and pain. It’s what I knew and spoke for the first forty years of my life. I write these words due to the trial and error of seeking inner peace. I am far from the “enlightened” status of the master and teachers before me but then again, perhaps my idea of enlightenment equates to perfection and if so…who am I to judge what that looks like and really what does that mean? Acceptance of self seems to be the key factor in achieving perfection.

For the latest talk on the newest American Idol judge…..

this is a link to a podcast,  On this show, with host, Mark Christopher Nelson,  myself and friend and healer, David Elliott are being interviewed about the different elements of psychic and healing modalities.

I met with a man today who felt guilty because he’s turning twenty and believed it’s time to now grow up. HA, what does that mean? I asked. He didn’t know exactly. I pointed out the fact that he had a job (for the last 5 years with same establishment), was going to school, with an agenda. He had a goal. He wanted to be a counselor for high school kids. He wasn’t meandering about without purpose. He had a future vision of himself that he was making steps towards fulfilling. I then asked, do you feel like a child inside? Yes, was his reply. I asked do you suppose you’re still having fun and playing at life a bit? Yes! he said again. I said, GOOD. Keep playing and setting an example for the rest of us.
Life doesn’t have to mean struggle. He equated growing up with being serious. Is it necessary to be serious in order for life to have purpose or deep meaning? Can we learn through play? Isn’t that how it all begins for us as children? We use play and imagination to learn and grow. Why does that need to be eradicated as we age?

We as a society have standards that often repress and control our natural enthusiasm and subdue our approach to life. We then exchange play for the need to be seen as perfect. Perfect must mean powerful whereas play and making mistakes equates to disapproval. What’s sad about this is that we make disapproval MEAN SOMETHING. Generally it seems to mean, “I’m no good”. We use another persons lack of ability to play mean: were bad. How ironic. We take their serious approach to living mean they are better, more responsible and grown up. I think another perception could be, scared and inflexible…wanting to be seen as perfect!

If this young man carries courage to view himself from a lens of acceptance, he might just be able to play his entire life and that in of itself, seems like a successful life. Please, don’t grow up and become serious my dear friend, just continue doing what you’re doing, be brave and show us how to play, how to laugh, how to have fun living.
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.” -Picasso
Peace.

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A change in perspective. We hear it all the time, it’s considered the new “catch phrase” among the spiritual teachers and new age coaches.  The question is, how do we truly get to that place? How do we see another persons perspective clearly without painting an agenda onto it?

I have been challenged recently with this very idea. This desire to hear authentically has always been with me, but rarely if ever have I been able to do this very task. I have pursued different teachers, different paths and different ideologies and belief that NVC, which stands for Non-Violent Communication (createed by Marshall Rosenberg), has one of the most profound techniques for assisting with the communication/compassion needs of humanity.

My coach, who is a very dedicated 23 year-old young man, has been immensely helpful in my process. He, from the goodness of his heart, has been guiding myself and others through this process for no charge. A gift from his heart to the rest of the world, I thank him deeply for his dedication and belief in a better world.

In conjunction with NVC, I am using another approach. My coach, Daniel, doesn’t full agree with this mixed bag of tricks as he knows that straight NVC talk does work, but forgives me as I am a babe in the woods and knows that I am lost!

What I have found that if the need to defend oneself and the need to be heard (first) leaves our mind, no longer is the focus of our chosen words about us and the ability to hear what the other person is truly saying comes through much stronger. The ability to unite rather than fight is more easily accessed and since I have always been plagued with the desire to be free, I am finding that the freedom I crave is coming forth more quickly than it ever has before. I encourage all persons to engage from a place of just  acknowledging what the other person is saying. A simple, thank you for your thoughts is enough.  I recommend speaking honestly about what is being felt within your body, as it is a huge source of information, if one stops to feel, the words become more honest and less defensive or attacking of the other. They are descriptors of your experience only, such as: I feel really tight in my chest and I’m scared. I feel a lot of energy trapped in my chest and I want to scream. Those are honest communications and they do not make you bad, wrong or defensive and nor do they put any onus on anyone else. They are just reports. When reporting about oneself, you have the opportunity to feel more deeply what it is that’s really caused the offense to occur in the first place and in doing this type of self-research, you realize your really the one who is carrying all these thoughts and idea’s about yourself (that you haven’t really heard come from the other persons mouth at all), but you have thought them silently. Where did those thoughts and feelings arise from originally? Why has this moment awakened these feelings and what can you do to nurture yourself? This ability brings freedom, it brings healing to the core of self.  It’s a really challenging process and I urge you to take it on, as it’s the most gratifying gift to give to oneself.

Blessings to you.

Kimberly

After reading a story in the LA Times this a.m. I feel compelled to extend compassion and love to the family of solider, Peter Sinclair. He died, essentially, to his inability to feel whole after fighting in the war and it took it’s toll on his body and mind.  I am heart broken for the loss of their son, brother and friend. I am heart broken at the loss of so many souls (and to this I speak literally, of the soul) that have had to endure the experience of viewing and participating in the enormous barbarity of war.

What could be more challenging for a person to reconcile? How often do we find ourselves racked with grief or guilt over accidentally offending someone? How many times has it taken one of us, a civilian, several days to forgive ourselves for yelling at someone when we could have simple spoken?  I know my psyche could never survive war.

I can’t possibly imagine the devastating self talk that one must relentless endure after participating in an event, that no matter how just or how American and patriotic we dress it up to be, at it’s core must rage against the heart, soul and “knowing” of the individual.  A knowing that speaks truth; that killing and defiling humanity isn’t leading to solution.  I say this not to upset those who’ve been in service, to negate what they felt was right, but to assuage the small voice within them somewhere saying, Why must we do this? Why must I continue to live through these memories? I did what I had to do, I did the “right” thing, but whose standards and morals were they serving? Was it truly their own or what they’ve been taught to believe?

Certain extremist Islamic sects teach their children that Americans are evil, that killing oneself in the name of Allah guarantees’ them heavenly status and generous perks. Do we believe our evilness to be true? Do we think their chosen death paths lead to a harem of heavenly gain? Most likely not, yet we are willing to believe the training we’ve received as the gospel. We are fighting and defending our great America, a pure and good country, filled with Christians, Catholics and all those other people were willing to tolerate to prove we are indeed a great country, that equality does exist for all. Unless…you aren’t American…or have a resource we want. So what do we do? We make up a mantra, a repetitive story we tell ourselves to justify the murder and torture of other humans.

Marshall Rosenberg, the author (genius and master teacher) of the book Non-Violent Communication, mentions this fact in an online youtube recording. He speaks about our need to make someone else less than, wrong, bad, or evil in order for us to validate our cruel and animalistic behavior towards them….but then what happens? The heart and soul become deafening loud. They speak to us through memories, dreams, voices we can’t control and for which drugs will never successfully bury.

Why is this? Every single one of us aches. We crave love, approval and attention. We seek to be understood and forget to be understanding. We each desire to be seen but forget that every single one of us has that same unanswered urge to be acknowledged for our value and our worth. We each want to be viewed as special and as Eckhart Tolle (on youtube) quietly contends, the ego’s biggest battle is to not be ordinary. We fight our ordinariness; we secretly expect to be held in high adoration from those we know and when they don’t (because they are too busy trying to get their needs met) we languish and lash out (most often in the most passive and seemingly innocuous tones or comments). As persons living daily in our “normal” civilian lives we find our reprieve in the small failings of others; but when given the power and authority to reign over others in the brainwashed ideals of a country united, we take our need for admiration to the utmost. We kill and torture and hold prisoner the bodies, hearts and minds of others with whom we’ve been told are the enemy. We play the game, tit for tat to it’s ultimate extreme. We are like angry school kids that choose to hit back rather than use our words. We: the adults, the leaders and teachers of our societies; the ultimate hypocrites. If we were courageous enough to come from our hearts and do what we know is ultimately best for all persons sharing this planet, perhaps we would be teaching the Golden Rule in the most profound way possible, through example, as I am sure Peter Sinclair had intended from the time he was two years old. He didn’t come into the world believing he must heed to the needs of others and thereby begin a plight of devastation within himself and his tormented body and mind. He only wanted to do what he was told was the right thing to do. He only wanted to be a good boy. He only wanted to be loved, not be ordinary, not fall into the idea’s of what weakness looked like, he renounced his own good and that of his hearts calling to be of true service and instead became a statistic of the droning chant which teaches us to think in an “us against them mentality”, to his innocent demise.

Although The Power of Now, has been out for years, I often refer back to it when I find my mind contracting and attempting to keep me stuck. I would like to post a few of the key phrases that help me remember how to move beyond the ego’s hold over my heart.

“Choice means you are using a high degree of consciousness”. What he’s saying here, is that when we are partaking in our patterns, we are not conscious, that we aren’t really choosing at all. We like to think we are choosing, as it gives us a false sense of power. However, if you can be in a pattern and change your reactive behaviors, then you are choosing in those small moments of awareness. This is where your power can be derived. Don’t worry so much about not being in your patterns, so much as learning how to break out of them moment by moment. this is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself, small changes can lead to permanent ones!

“Unconsciousness is what allows us to be caught in our habits, patterns and beliefs of the mind”. Again, which is why small steps towards watching yourself is what’s needed. Our beliefs are what get us into trouble. It’s what Byron Katie bases all her work on and how we shift is by challenging what we believe. It’s the minds hold on us that keeps us from stepping into the heart. I have recently discovered that all my years of therapy have truly kept me trapped, teaching me that analysis would be my savior, when in fact it’s kept me caged in a logic that holds no ability to see the other person in a kind way. I’ve often used it as a sword rather than a balm. I hope to shift that now that I understand how I’ve used analysis as a shield from exploring the hearts ability to love regardless of  another persons actions.

“Forgive for they know not what they do”, Eckhart quoting Jesus. What’s he saying? That even when we believe we are choosing something, we often are just reacting. We usually step forward with the validation of what the mind can muster up as justification  for our behaviors towards others. When we are ready to experience self acceptance, when we are ready to feel peace, we can allow it. I have been struggling with this within myself. I have been doing Byron Katie’s worksheet, “one belief” and it’s been profoundly helpful in revealing the lies within my mind that I’ve so strongly clung to in order to stay justified in my anger or pain. I want to give that up.