The idea that a girl’s worth is based on her sexual appeal is becoming the lie that is finally being seen as what it is: manipulation to keep a girls focus (hence a woman’s worth) on the man. With the precursor being: all little girls are dreaming of the day they marry their prince charming and be “saved”. All the while sex appeal is being highlighted, the feeling of love and the exchange of that emotion denounced as “silly and unnecessary”.
I, being one of those girls who while, never having a father, nor a father figure, never knew I believed in the notion that one day a man will save me. I also thought that since my mother was proclaiming to not care about men nor in being married, that I too, was independent, capable and one of the many “modern” woman of today’s society who did not “need a man”. Thus when my mother ran off to get married when I was 19, left me more than a little confused. I guess she changed her mind or finally found a man who wasn’t already married (her most popular “boyfriend” choice by far). Of course, anyone reading this knows, she was just never able to be honest in the first place. She always wanted “to be loved” and was too weak to admit to that fact. Yes, “weak” too weak to admit that love was actually desired.
I followed all the media rules and stereotypes about what made me appealing to men. Not realizing that my earlier sexual abuse was also playing a major unconscious role in my choices of sexual expression, demeanor and otherwise.
We’ve been taught that it’s foolish to feel. It’s embarrassing to want love. A therapist once said to me over a decade ago, “you should never feel stupid for wanting to be feel cared for, we all want to feel loved”. Indeed. Why would we feel stupid unless it’s been taught to us how weak or stupid it is to actually “want love” or even worst, how it’s a “feminine” trait and that it belongs to the “weaker of the sexes”…or so the myth is told.
What I don’t understand is how our entire human race can so blindly go into believing the deceptive diatribes about the uselessness of applying care to one another. How love or emotions can be “sold” as a feminine value that innately has no value and left to be described as one that is experienced only by the “irrational and crazy” female.
Has it been “outed” that all those serial killers, suicide bombers and shooting spree’s are at their core “emotional” expression? They’re just not the gentle kind of emotion that’s being craved at the core of those beings who choose those heinous actions. Why? Because it’s not okay to feel in our culture unless it’s being done violently so, but don’t kid yourself, those are emotions firing those guns, pushing those buttons and slicing throats.
So rather than care about each other’s feelings, we’ll stomp on them because it’s what we’ve been taught and has been done to us; inadvertently. Fear at its core. Fear to feel because we might be seen as weak or laughed at, as if that’s a big deal and yet, it IS for so many of us. Because we still think we need others approval before we can feel love for ourselves and others. We forget we have the strength to love within us at all times; that when another can’t love us or deems us “needy”, it is a way to mask their inability to feel compassionately. It’s their inability to open their heart, but an attempt to make it your problem. I can’t feel, so I’ll blame you by labeling you: weak, needy, pathetic, crazy or my favorite attempt at belittling: dramatic. When in actuality you’re a person who desires connection, to be seen and understood, pretty basic human stuff here.
I can say from my personal experience, that to love is the most powerful and yet hardest thing I am learning to do. I have only thought I have loved in the past. When the truth was, I was only longing for love but not knowing how to do it myself and therefore had very little understanding of what real love looked or felt like; whether it be in the giving or receiving. Still learning….
It was only recently I looked back to discover that the lie my mother had been telling herself was outing itself continuously in the throngs of strangers clothing strewn about our house on a regular basis after her nights out at the local bar. It was her belief that her sexual energy was her key to finding love, but masked in the societal modern day woman chant, “Its just sex and I don’t need a man”. Uh-huh…the next time you hear any woman make that claim, ask them when was the last time they actually felt loved and you’ll see a little girl emerge, who will quickly be dismissed, perhaps even before being allowed to speak and then the adult version of herself will attempt to the answer that question for her: I don’t need a mans love, I love myself. Right. Sure. Why then I wonder, does alcohol plays a role in sexual experiences in the first place? Why the need to numb prior to an act, that if it’s to be enjoyed to it’s fullest expression, really requires the senses to be available and this includes the ability to feel emotionally, not just physically.
My guess is she, as so many of us, bought into the idea that if we were sexually appealing and were willing to show her great sexual skills the man would then fall madly in love and sweep her off her feet and she would never have to admit that she was secretly praying for that all along.
I would like to forewarn any young girls and women out there: Sex does not bring love and denying the fact that you want love will DEFINITELY never bring love and that is– believe it or not– equally true for men. That if you are to get what you want, deserve and what can ultimately bring you the greatest joy along with the most harrowing pain, you must exhibit bravery of another sort: Honesty, vulnerability and the strength to look/feel foolish.
While the men of our society believe that it’s “just sex” they know better than any of us women, that they too are buying into a lie that’s not serving them in getting their heart needs met either. And believe it or not, they actually do have hearts and they do desire connection, no matter how society tries to depict them as goal orientated womanizers, their just victims to believing that love is unimportant too, but men are starting to wake up and no longer be passive participants to the lies of our cultural education, but it may take a few brave women to lead the way.