I am working on this God thing and it’s so tricky.  We each could easily become the priest in Carnival. Pushing our will forth believing it is the will of God, especially if we were to have a bit of power like he does (the priest).  One could automatically assume that the “gift” is from God, as I had once I started channeling.  I immediately thought, it was God coming through me and I am sure today that it hasn’t always been divine energy that has spoken through me.  I am embarrassed by my mistakes and yet know there will be many more in reference to the information that I give and the intentions that I carry.  As the only way to be truly clean in this work or anything else one encounters (friendships, love relationships) is to have absolutely no agenda and no desired outcomes whatsoever.  Hard to do, because if we have a goal with the intention of someone else doing well or being happy, those are still agenda’s which may impede on another’s needed journey toward the experience of enlightenment.  To ease another’s suffering may indeed be holding them back, as their comfort only allows contentment, therefore, where is the motivation to move forward? No stench, no frustration, no movement usually. I wrote this in 2006 and find it still true for me.

The idea that a girl’s worth is based on her sexual appeal is becoming the lie that is finally being seen as what it is: manipulation to keep a girls focus (hence a woman’s worth) on the man. With the precursor being: all little girls are dreaming of the day they marry their prince charming and be “saved”. All the while sex appeal is being highlighted, the feeling of love and the exchange of that emotion denounced as “silly and unnecessary”.

I, being one of those girls who while, never having a father, nor a father figure, never knew I believed in the notion that one day a man will save me. I also thought that since my mother was proclaiming to not care about men and nor in being married, that I too, was independent, capable and one of the many “modern” woman of today’s society who did not “need a man”. Thus when my mother ran off to get married when I was 19, left me more than a little confused. I guess she changed her mind or finally found a man who wasn’t already married (her most popular “boyfriend” choice by far). Of course, anyone reading this knows, she was just never able to be honest in the first place. She always wanted “to be loved” and was too weak to admit to that fact. Yes, “weak” too weak to admit that love was actually desired.

I followed all the media rules and stereotypes about what made me appealing to men. Not realizing that my earlier sexual abuse was also playing a major unconscious role in my choices of sexual expression, demeanor and otherwise.

We’ve been taught that it’s foolish to feel. It’s embarrassing to want love. A therapist once said to me over a decade ago, “you should never feel stupid for wanting to be feel cared for, we all want to feel loved”. Indeed. Why would we feel stupid unless it’s been taught to us how weak or stupid it is to actually “want love” or even worst, how it’s a “feminine” trait and that it belongs to the “weaker of the sexes”…or so the myth is told.

What I don’t understand is how our entire human race can so blindly go into believing the deceptive diatribes about the uselessness of applying care to one another. How love or emotions can be “sold” as a feminine value that innately has no value and left to be described as one that is experienced only by the “irrational and crazy” female.

Has it been “outed” that all those serial killers, suicide bombers and shooting spree’s are at their core “emotional” expression? They’re just not the gentle kind of emotion that’s being craved at the core of those beings who choose those heinous actions. Why? Because it’s not okay to feel in our culture unless it’s being done violently so, but don’t kid yourself, those are emotions firing those guns, pushing those buttons and slicing throats.

So rather than care about each other’s feelings, we’ll stomp on them because it’s what we’ve been taught and has been done to us; inadvertently. Fear at its core. Fear to feel because we might be seen as weak or laughed at, as if that’s a big deal and yet, it IS for so many of us. Because we still think we need others approval before we can feel love for ourselves and others. We forget we have the strength to love within us at all times; that when another can’t love us or deems us “needy”, it is a way to mask their inability to feel compassionately. It’s their inability to open their heart, but an attempt to make it your problem. I can’t feel, so I’ll blame you by labeling you: weak, needy, pathetic, crazy or my favorite attempt at belittling: dramatic. When in actuality you’re a person who desires connection, to be seen and understood, pretty basic human stuff here.

I can say from my personal experience, that to love is the most powerful and yet hardest thing I am learning to do. I have only thought I have loved in the past. When the truth was, I was only longing for love but not knowing how to do it myself and therefore had very little understanding of what real love looked or felt like; whether it be in the giving or receiving. Still learning….

It was only recently I looked back to discover that the lie my mother had been telling herself was outing itself continuously in the throngs of strangers clothing strewn about our house on a regular basis after her nights out at the local bar. It was her belief that her sexual energy was her key to finding love, but masked in the societal modern day woman chant, “Its just sex and I don’t need a man”. Uh-huh…the next time you hear any woman make that claim, ask them when was the last time they actually felt loved and you’ll see a little girl emerge, who will quickly be dismissed, perhaps even before being allowed to speak and then the adult version of herself will attempt to the answer that question for her: I don’t need a mans love, I love myself. Right. Sure. Why then I wonder, does alcohol plays a role in sexual experiences in the first place? Why the need to numb prior to an act, that if it’s to be enjoyed to it’s fullest expression, really requires the senses to be available and the includes the ability to feel emotionally, not just physically.

My guess is she, as so many of us, bought into the idea that if we were sexually appealing and were willing to show her great sexual skills the man would then fall madly in love with us and sweep her off her feet and she would never have to admit that she was secretly praying for that all along.

I would like to forewarn any young girls and women out there: Sex does not bring love and denying the fact that you want love will DEFINITELY never bring love and that is– believe it or not– equally true for men. That if you are to get what you want, deserve and what can ultimately bring you the greatest joy along with the most harrowing pain, you must be exhibit bravery of another sort: Honesty, vulnerability and the strength to look/feel foolish.

While the men of our society believe that it’s “just sex” they know better than any of us women, that they too are buying into a lie that’s not serving them in getting their heart needs met either. And believe it or not, they actually do have hearts and they do desire connection, no matter how society tries to depict them as goal orientated womanizers, their just victims to believing that love is unimportant too, but men are starting to wake up and no longer be passive participants to the lies of our cultural education, but it may take a few brave women to lead the way.

For the latest talk on the newest American Idol judge…..

After reading a story in the LA Times this a.m. I feel compelled to extend compassion and love to the family of solider, Peter Sinclair. He died, essentially, to his inability to feel whole after fighting in the war and it took it’s toll on his body and mind.  I am heart broken for the loss of their son, brother and friend. I am heart broken at the loss of so many souls (and to this I speak literally, of the soul) that have had to endure the experience of viewing and participating in the enormous barbarity of war.

What could be more challenging for a person to reconcile? How often do we find ourselves racked with grief or guilt over accidentally offending someone? How many times has it taken one of us, a civilian, several days to forgive ourselves for yelling at someone when we could have simple spoken?  I know my psyche could never survive war.

I can’t possibly imagine the devastating self talk that one must relentless endure after participating in an event, that no matter how just or how American and patriotic we dress it up to be, at it’s core must rage against the heart, soul and “knowing” of the individual.  A knowing that speaks truth; that killing and defiling humanity isn’t leading to solution.  I say this not to upset those who’ve been in service, to negate what they felt was right, but to assuage the small voice within them somewhere saying, Why must we do this? Why must I continue to live through these memories? I did what I had to do, I did the “right” thing, but whose standards and morals were they serving? Was it truly their own or what they’ve been taught to believe?

Certain extremist Islamic sects teach their children that Americans are evil, that killing oneself in the name of Allah guarantees’ them heavenly status and generous perks. Do we believe our evilness to be true? Do we think their chosen death paths lead to a harem of heavenly gain? Most likely not, yet we are willing to believe the training we’ve received as the gospel. We are fighting and defending our great America, a pure and good country, filled with Christians, Catholics and all those other people were willing to tolerate to prove we are indeed a great country, that equality does exist for all. Unless…you aren’t American…or have a resource we want. So what do we do? We make up a mantra, a repetitive story we tell ourselves to justify the murder and torture of other humans.

Marshall Rosenberg, the author (genius and master teacher) of the book Non-Violent Communication, mentions this fact in an online youtube recording. He speaks about our need to make someone else less than, wrong, bad, or evil in order for us to validate our cruel and animalistic behavior towards them….but then what happens? The heart and soul become deafening loud. They speak to us through memories, dreams, voices we can’t control and for which drugs will never successfully bury.

Why is this? Every single one of us aches. We crave love, approval and attention. We seek to be understood and forget to be understanding. We each desire to be seen but forget that every single one of us has that same unanswered urge to be acknowledged for our value and our worth. We each want to be viewed as special and as Eckhart Tolle (on youtube) quietly contends, the ego’s biggest battle is to not be ordinary. We fight our ordinariness; we secretly expect to be held in high adoration from those we know and when they don’t (because they are too busy trying to get their needs met) we languish and lash out (most often in the most passive and seemingly innocuous tones or comments). As persons living daily in our “normal” civilian lives we find our reprieve in the small failings of others; but when given the power and authority to reign over others in the brainwashed ideals of a country united, we take our need for admiration to the utmost. We kill and torture and hold prisoner the bodies, hearts and minds of others with whom we’ve been told are the enemy. We play the game, tit for tat to it’s ultimate extreme. We are like angry school kids that choose to hit back rather than use our words. We: the adults, the leaders and teachers of our societies; the ultimate hypocrites. If we were courageous enough to come from our hearts and do what we know is ultimately best for all persons sharing this planet, perhaps we would be teaching the Golden Rule in the most profound way possible, through example, as I am sure Peter Sinclair had intended from the time he was two years old. He didn’t come into the world believing he must heed to the needs of others and thereby begin a plight of devastation within himself and his tormented body and mind. He only wanted to do what he was told was the right thing to do. He only wanted to be a good boy. He only wanted to be loved, not be ordinary, not fall into the idea’s of what weakness looked like, he renounced his own good and that of his hearts calling to be of true service and instead became a statistic of the droning chant which teaches us to think in an “us against them mentality”, to his innocent demise.