What changes would you implement in this moment if you could in your personal life?

It’s our actions that create our feelings of being powerful but it’s our thoughts that often determine whether or not were going to take powerful actions.

Shall I go to the gym today? You “should” right? Why? You’ll feel better about yourself afterward. Why wouldn’t it just be a given than that you’d go? Because you’re not necessarily comfortable with that kind of power. (Why the mind talks you out of taking care of yourself in new ways) Feeling good in and of itself states a sense of empowerment. When we feel good, we often make decisions and statements that are more uplifting and supportive not only of ourselves but to anyone that comes into our environment. We affect the small immediate world around us positively. We are influencing from that place. Sounds pretty great right? So, again, why don’t we do it?
Many of us don’t believe we have the right to feel just that good about ourselves. We feel much more comfortable and understanding of feelings that equate to stable. Stable as in grounded in reality.

The only way to shift from feeling grounded and comfortable in what you’re already living is to slowly make the changes you desire in your lives. This empowerment process cannot be an overnight commitment to 5 days a week at the gym, juicing daily and seeing everything positively. It can’t maintain itself, have you noticed? It’s expecting too much of oneself. It’s taking a huge leap into the void of the unknown to such a degree that back sliding back into the known is the only viable option for your emotional self.

Desired larger changes will happen on our behalf without us having to “make” them happen. The readiness of our spirit to take a leap is often not determined by our minds and often comes about quite unexpectedly. Spontaneous decisions are just that and cannot be pre-determined. They just come about, but you can encourage such changes through everyday smaller choices that support the feeling of empowerment.

Not getting upset about something that would normally upset you or not letting it upset you for the normal length of time is one such miniscule step that while seemingly unimportant in the big picture is the only way your personal big picture can shift (ever so quietly) into the desired outcome of a fulfilling life. The saying goes: insanity doing the same thing every day expecting different results. The changes one makes to achieve personal self-acceptance can be begun through doing one thing different, it’s been said before, yes. Yet the only way that one thing different leads to more empowering, self- caring and accepting behaviors is by taking notice of these small changes. By saying to yourself, okay, I did that differently, this is a good thing, you’re teaching the emotional body (as it were, that part of self) in baby steps. This is more than taking in a compliment. Yes, that is an important part of realizing your worth, but this ability to take note for self, to acknowledge who you are and the changes you’re making by you, is what’s most valuable. Why? Because other people will always be in flux and just as enslaved to their internal worlds as are you. The changes in their minds and behaviors are based on their personal issues, moods and experiences. Personal empowerment is exactly that, comes from the “personal”, from the self and it cannot then be taken away due to an outside source. If it comes to you, through you and you beckon to honor self, it cannot be released by another’s thoughts or feelings. That is empowerment, which is power; in it’s most powerful sense of fulfillment.

I, being one of those girls who while, never having a father, nor a father figure, never knew I believed in the notion that one day a man will save me. I also thought that since my mother was proclaiming to not care about men and nor in being married, that I too, was independent, capable and one of the many “modern” woman of today’s society who did not “need a man”. Thus when my mother ran off to get married when I was 19, left me more than a little confused. I guess she changed her mind or finally found a man who wasn’t already married (her most popular “boyfriend” choice by far). Of course, anyone reading this knows, she was just never able to be honest in the first place. She always wanted “to be loved” and was too weak to admit to that fact. Yes, “weak” too weak to admit that love was actually desired.

I followed all the media rules and stereotypes about what made me appealing to men. Not realizing that my earlier sexual abuse was also playing a major unconscious role in my choices of sexual expression, demeanor and otherwise.

We’ve been taught that it’s foolish to feel. It’s embarrassing to want love. A therapist once said to me over a decade ago, “you should never feel stupid for wanting to be feel cared for, we all want to feel loved”. Indeed. Why would we feel stupid unless it’s been taught to us how weak or stupid it is to actually “want love” or even worst, how it’s a “feminine” trait and that it belongs to the “weaker of the sexes”…or so the myth is told.

What I don’t understand is how our entire human race can so blindly go into believing the deceptive diatribes about the uselessness of applying care to one another. How love or emotions can be “sold” as a feminine value that innately has no value and left to be described as one that is experienced only by the “irrational and crazy” female.

Has it been “outed” that all those serial killers, suicide bombers and shooting spree’s are at their core “emotional” expression? They’re just not the gentle kind of emotion that’s being craved at the core of those beings who choose those heinous actions. Why? Because it’s not okay to feel in our culture unless it’s being done violently so, but don’t kid yourself, those are emotions firing those guns, pushing those buttons and slicing throats.

So rather than care about each other’s feelings, we’ll stomp on them because it’s what we’ve been taught and has been done to us; inadvertently. Fear at its core. Fear to feel because we might be seen as weak or laughed at, as if that’s a big deal and yet, it IS for so many of us. Because we still think we need others approval before we can feel love for ourselves and others. We forget we have the strength to love within us at all times; that when another can’t love us or deems us “needy”, it is a way to mask their inability to feel compassionately. It’s their inability to open their heart, but an attempt to make it your problem. I can’t feel, so I’ll blame you by labeling you: weak, needy, pathetic, crazy or my favorite attempt at belittling: dramatic. When in actuality you’re a person who desires connection, to be seen and understood, pretty basic human stuff here.

I can say from my personal experience, that to love is the most powerful and yet hardest thing I am learning to do. I have only thought I have loved in the past. When the truth was, I was only longing for love but not knowing how to do it myself and therefore had very little understanding of what real love looked or felt like; whether it be in the giving or receiving. Still learning….

It was only recently I looked back to discover that the lie my mother had been telling herself was outing itself continuously in the throngs of strangers clothing strewn about our house on a regular basis after her nights out at the local bar. It was her belief that her sexual energy was her key to finding love, but masked in the societal modern day woman chant, “Its just sex and I don’t need a man”. Uh-huh…the next time you hear any woman make that claim, ask them when was the last time they actually felt loved and you’ll see a little girl emerge, who will quickly be dismissed, perhaps even before being allowed to speak and then the adult version of herself will attempt to the answer that question for her: I don’t need a mans love, I love myself. Right. Sure. Why then I wonder, does alcohol plays a role in sexual experiences in the first place? Why the need to numb prior to an act, that if it’s to be enjoyed to it’s fullest expression, really requires the senses to be available and the includes the ability to feel emotionally, not just physically.

My guess is she, as so many of us, bought into the idea that if we were sexually appealing and were willing to show her great sexual skills the man would then fall madly in love with us and sweep her off her feet and she would never have to admit that she was secretly praying for that all along.

I would like to forewarn any young girls and women out there: Sex does not bring love and denying the fact that you want love will DEFINITELY never bring love and that is– believe it or not– equally true for men. That if you are to get what you want, deserve and what can ultimately bring you the greatest joy along with the most harrowing pain, you must be exhibit bravery of another sort: Honesty, vulnerability and the strength to look/feel foolish.

While the men of our society believe that it’s “just sex” they know better than any of us women, that they too are buying into a lie that’s not serving them in getting their heart needs met either. And believe it or not, they actually do have hearts and they do desire connection, no matter how society tries to depict them as goal orientated womanizers, their just victims to believing that love is unimportant too, but men are starting to wake up and no longer be passive participants to the lies of our cultural education, but it may take a few brave women to lead the way.

Where does your spirituality come from, where does it live in your body?

Can loving connection come from the mind or is it an action that is taken when the heart becomes activated and does the interpreting along with the head?

As with Byron Katie’s teaching and that again of Marshall Rosenberg, our thoughts must be interrupted in order for the heart to engage. To question: from whence our thoughts arrive, where were they learned and what are they serving, can bring great personal wisdom. Often, because of our cultural education, the heart does not lead in communication. We must give the  heart an opportunity to work in tandem with the mind. The mind has to be taught how to forge a perception that is greater then self -protection.

This is where you’ll develop the ability to ask, what is my motivation, what shall be my guide?

As long as your decisions lead you to a place of heart motivated answers, any safety you desire in life will have a chance to build and grow from within.

The choices we make moment by moment are what develop how we become and perceive the world around us. Is it a world whose only purpose is death and destruction or is it a world of continual growth and evolution?  Mind abandoning heart or heart engaging with mind?  Which will lead you? Yes, the mind can see the “truth” of the everyday atrocities, and using the heart as a perception device may look like an airy-fairy sugar coated version of that view-but that’s if that’s how you choose to see it.

The heart provides profound moments of truth when given permission to speak. We’ve all seen photo’s of devastation, suffering and pain and among them we’ll see a single flower cutting through the soil, in it’s own equal struggle for life, it reveals it’s quiet knowing beauty.  That single flower could bring your mind to its knee’s, or rather, into the heart; as this expression of life, which blooms so innocently, is the divine’s challenge to show us beauty amongst the destruction, if we choose to see it.  We are given the task to rise above the moment, to not judge what we cannot understand without the clairvoyant view from the heavens.

This is our work as a species and in many ways what Barbara Marx Hubbard espouses.

How to get in contact with God, the real truth of God? Not the man made with human traits of hate and jealousy and justice God- but the divine knower of all that is (which resides within us), the God that quietly resides in moments of connection, contentment, safety. Each traits of trust or even more confronting: blind faith. You would be mistaken to consider faith as passive.  It takes diligence of mind, the act of conscious directing and choosing what thoughts and idea’s one will serve.

It is my guess that even when there is death and destruction that the God energy of this planet does not wail in grief and misery but simply goes about knowing the ultimate Truth. Knowing that in time our species will set aside the pettiness of personality differences and embrace the unique expression that comes forward as an I.

As that begins to happen over and over and over and….over…then the Christ Consciousness seed that is felt within  so many of us wandering souls will unfold fully and the upliftment referred to as enlightenment will have it’s day among humanity and the planet Earth. The divine beings whose presence surrounds and guides us, does not fret, the discovery of self as God beings in harmonious action and perceptions can come.

Listen to the heart and what it has to say when you are in communication with those around you who are yet unable to listen for themselves (what you are yet to do for yourself), love unconditionally. Listen to their desire to be held and see that same desire within you. Look to their pain as a plea for acceptance. Honor that plea and give it. It’s damn hard, but you can do it. Break into the heart and do it; lead.

The fear that carries us daily propels us into the hardened world we continue to create. The one faced with deathly images of children, men and their mothers being raped, murdered and killed right next door to us and yet, nothing stops us long enough to feel their death upon our hands. We continue forth believing we are innocent because we are suffering too, but we do not stop long enough to accept this fact. Rather we move forward with our hard bodies, hard minds, hard breasts and ever growing hardened hearts.

Perhaps the ink on the next tattoo will actually penetrate the veins of life and pull blood from ourselves, a blood that within it’s vibrant red flow causes us to pause and feel the trickle of life it provides. We rush past and through our existence either praying it will end or believing we are invisible (I meant to write invincible, do you suppose that’s a glorious faux pas of the unconscious trying to teach its lesson?) and never really ever feeling the glory of God within.

The struggle runs so deep because we carry so many layers of pain of mis-belief. We store lies within our system of judgment. They feel like truths because they have logic and sense attached to them, or so we think. They make sense because they are true for us. The words we hear in our head we automatically accept as true. How often do we question the thoughts we carry. We see someone look at us and make an instant deduction of what the persons could be thinking and of course, whatever it is, it’s generally about us. About our good looks or fat body, about the bad hair we feel we have or the great sense of style we project. I wonder how many times that person we believe is thinking about us in that moment, is actually looking past us and wondering about what the person behind us is thinking about them!

How often do we have a thought that actually is incorrect? How often is our perception of why what another person does is actually being colored by your current mood ? Have you ever noticed that your mood actually is the determining factor of what someone is thinking? Have you ever noticed that your own guilt can provide the very reason that the person before you is being judged?

May want to visit the Byron Katie website for more info. on questioning thought patterns. She is genius.

The father then called the child back and said, “You shouldn’t hang up on people, that’s not nice”. The child said (the obligatory) sorry and they moved on.

Does that appear to be good parenting skills?  Did dad do the right thing?   What was the focus? Teaching his son good behavior?  Is that a demonstration of love or connection? Do you think the child felt satisfied by their interaction?

Our society seems to have little understanding of how to truly interact with each other in supportive ways. Often, the focus (and I am sorely guilty of this) seems to be more on correcting than connecting (thank you Marshall Rosenberg) advising over allowing. We take great pride in being able to find a place or reason to tell another how they can better themselves, but do very little to acknowledge that who they are and how they feel is completely acceptable and perfectly fine. We are brilliant at guidance but are we equally genius at allowance?

Of course we are unwitting in our ignoring of the emotional need that’s often presenting itself- because it’s often unspoken. We are left to guess and wonder to what it is that our comrade, brother, sister, son or daughter, lover, boss, companion and neighbor are saying when they scream, yell, hang up, walk out or even worse (gasp) curse. We are hardly to know that in fact when they slam down the phone, that was is actually and in reality being said is: HELP ME (feel better).

Instead we tune out the emotional need that fuels the furry and focus on the physical action and tell them, no, no no man. No don’t do that, don’t behave like that and whatever caused you to do that, is in no way necessary to discuss as it might be painful and not comfortable to confront so just shhhh, don’t do that, don’t do that I say. Listen to my words don’t follow my example but live out the fear within the context and privacy of your own heart and mind and do not do not feel in front of me, as it’s not easy for me to feel anything…anymore.  We have become deadened to the hearts and care of others. We accidentally put ourselves first and forget about the other.

Does the father who corrected his son realize that he just sidestepped his sons’ emotions, definitely not. As our main and sometimes only source for parenting education comes via our parents and while many of us aren’t thrilled with our parents style, it’s the only one we know and rarely do we understand just how their style may have failed us. We just know it did. Thus, we repeat the same knee jerk reactive reactions, the same meaningless mantras (because I said so that’s why) and remain trapped in a form of behavior that produces a quick fix, desired result but does it serve? Does it create a satisfying connection to our loved ones? Based on the number of people I have worked with, interacted and shared time with on this planet, I am going to say, no. So many people never really feel heard. So many of us believe ourselves to be invisible. Our needs and loving intentions ignored or worse, misunderstood.

In the child parent interaction just sited, the parent wanted the child to know, “we don’t act that way because it’s not nice”. Why was that the focus? Why wasn’t the child’s emotional expression addressed from the standpoint of the child’s need instead of from the judgment of his action?  Nowhere within our educational culture is there a process that’s taught based on our hearts ability to see and teach.

Therefore the parent really felt he was addressing the situation fully and “correctly”. What really was addressed was the parents belief that he was properly teaching his child about manners and while inadvertently taking care of his feelings about being hung up on (“that’s not nice to hang up on daddy” implies my feelings were hurt by your action, why would you do that to me) while the child’s hurt or frustration (demonstrated by the hanging up) wasn’t addressed.  Never did the father say, why were you so upset? What made you so angry or hurt that made you want to hang up the phone?

This lack of questioning from the child’s perspective teaches him to feel bad for his action and shows that his original hurt that caused his “not nice” reaction is of no importance.

Now the child’s emotional state has been layered with a small feeling of guilt for not being a nice person. Since no child wants to feel bad and wants to be viewed as  “good” he quickly says sorry so he can release feeling bad and everything goes back to normal.

Except for the fact that this child is now sitting with a bit of embarrassment at making a mistake coupled with an unexplainable feeling of being completely overlooked. He doesn’t have the words or skills to tell you this, so you think everything is fine; and by the way, so does the child.

He has buried his feelings. How might that reveal itself in his behavior as he grows up with this continual neglect of his needs? Remember all that over crowding we have in our prisons?  All of those children diagnosed with ADD or ADHD or the unruly child who won’t listen in school? How about the myriad of adults who never seems to grow up emotionally?

What has erroneously been taught by this interaction? Be nice to others or you’re a bad person and your needs….oh well, those don’t matter.

Why did this happen? Because he was addressed with his fathers’ thoughts about what he did instead of concern about how the child felt. The childs feelings never entered the discussion (because the father wasn’t taught or nurtured from this perspective either, poor little one).  Yet, the father felt very reassured within himself that he just taught his boy well because his son felt bad for what he did and said sorry.

Let’s try this scenario with the son feelings being considered too. The father calls back and this time says:

Dad: Wow, you were really upset, so upset you hung up the phone.

Son: uh-huh

Dad: Were you feeling bad because you weren’t getting what you wanted?

Son: uh-huh

Dad: I understand that, I sometimes get upset when I can’t get what I want too.

Son: (silence)

Dad: Do you still feel angry?

Son: No, I’m not angry, I just want that toy.

Dad: I hear that you want that toy. That may be possible, but we have to talk about that later, first I want to talk to you about something else. Okay?

Son: yeah.

Dad has no entered into the possibility of helping his son feel understood rather than only addressing his child’s reaction. If it really feels necessary to give a manners lesson, maybe the talk could continue along the lines below:

Dad: You know I get why you hung up on me, but when you hang up on people, it won’t help you get what you want.

Son: But Billy has the new WII and I want one too!

Dad: I hear ya, but hanging up on me or anyone, doesn’t help get what you want, it may even make things worse. If I didn’t know you so well, I may think you were being mean to me. Luckily, I know you’re a great kid and you’re just angry, but other people might not know you so well and misunderstand why you hung up on them. They’ll think you’re rude.

Son: I’m not rude

Dad: I know that, like I said, you’re a great kid but sometimes other people will misjudge you and that’s okay but I just think you should know not everyone will understand that when you hang up, you’re just upset with not getting your way.

Son: Okay.

This discussion takes longer than most of our current day discussions. We just shortcut everything, we say the bottom line, cut to the chase and bark or say our wanted end results without ever considering how the other person may be feeling. If we were able to take in the other persons’ perspective while considering what it is we truly want in the moment (do I want my child to feel loved by me or to feel wrong?) we may have more connection and understanding in our relationships. I’ve noticed an immediate sense of satisfaction when I approach my discussions from this new viewpoint. I feel heard because I am actually expressing myself more clearly and I feel proud of myself for demonstrating more care for the other person. I often feel uplifted and it’s not because the other person did anything different, but because I did.

What is your idea of a leader?

What qualities does that person possess?

Where does your spirituality come from, where does it live in your body?

Is it motivated by your heart or head?

Can it really come from the mind or is it an action that is taken because the heart becomes activated and does the interpreting along with the head?

As with Byron Katie’s teaching and that again of Marshall Rosenberg, the thoughts must be interrupted most often in order for the heart to engage. They may not say it in those words but they do suggest to question from whence our thoughts arrive, from where have they been learned and what are they serving? Often, because of our cultural education, the heart does not lead in communication but must be given the opportunity to work in tandem with the mind. The mind has to be taught how to forge a perception that is greater then self -protection. This is our work as a species. How to get in contact with God, the real truth of God. Not the man made in the image of self God, but the divine knower of all that is, of all that is which creates from a sense of joy and connection. It is my guess that even when there is death and destruction that the God energy of this planet does not wail in grief and misery but simply goes about knowing the ultimate Truth. Knowing that one day our species will set aside the pettiness of personality differences and embrace the unique expression that comes forward as an I. As that begins to happen over and over and over and….over…then the Christ Consciousness seed that is felt within  so many of us wandering souls will unfold fully and the upliftment referred to enlightenment will have it’s day among humanity and the planet Earth. The divine beings whose presence surrounds and guides us does not fret, for they know the Truth and are allowing us our own timing of the discovery of self as God beings in harmonious action and perceptions.

Listen to the heart and what it has to say when you are in communication with those around you who are yet unable to do for themselves what you are yet to do for yourself, love unconditionally. Listen to their desire to be held and see that same desire within you. Look to their pain as a plea for acceptance and honor that plea and give it.

Hear their words and know, they do not yet themselves know how to love and be loved and are looking for you to be their leader.